Like many of life’s dramatic experiences, motherhood has the ability to render a perfectly confident woman into something raw and vulnerable, with all of its sleep deprivation and uncharted territories. With few exceptions, most women I know had some of their highest and lowest personal moments during those early years of raising children. It was a fun, challenging, and exciting time, and I regard the friends I made during that time with the respect you give to old war buddies. We survived the good, the bad, and the ugly, and truth be told, we really just don’t need to talk about some of those darker days.
Where we all suffered from some degree of insecurity during those years (mothers can be a harsh bunch of critics…), it usually begins to fade away on its own. As a SAHM I went from a full-time job, to full-time focus on motherhood. Once the kids are in school, however, there is a phase that people don’t often talk about. I’m not talking about finding work, because that’s just a small part of it. I’m talking about finding a new identity.
How do you figure out who you are after the war? You see this happen all the time when people are older and their kids go off to college, but I think the identity crisis starts much sooner than that. Most women transition fine, but there are certainly those who appear lost for a while, and it’s sad to watch. I believe that to emerge as any kind of person of confidence from this phase you must answer one simple question…
What are you about – now?
It could be something new, or it could be something that you had to put on the back burner when those kiddies came along. For example, my husband is about mountain biking (and road biking, and trail building…). But he’s also always been about obscure 80’s punk bands and writing movies. For other guys it might be sports, music, comic books, or old cars. Me? For the last few years I’ve been about community involvement. I’m also about antiques and old furniture, my faith, genealogy, and writing. Other women I know are about running, gardening, volunteer causes, organizing large extended families, cooking, starting home businesses, caring for elderly parents or coaching sports.
Yes, we’re husbands/wives/parents first, but I believe hobbies and interests are the icing on the cake, and help us define who we are.
Hobbies = happiness? There was an old New York Times article entitled “Hobbies Are Rich in Psychic Rewards” that discusses the physical side of this idea.
When people do things that make them feel good, like a hobby, it activates an area of the brain called the nucleus accumbens that controls how we feel about life, said Dr. S. Ausim Azizi, chairman of the department of neurology at Temple University’s School of Medicine in Philadelphia who studies brain activity and cell signaling.
And the people around me that don’t appear happy, and who exhibit typical low self-esteem behaviors, are the ones that can’t seem to find something new to occupy their time beyond their familial job. They still appear to be relying on others to determine their self worth. The article continues…
Hobbies also enhance self-esteem and self-confidence. Feeling that you are solely defined by your job — even if it is going well — can raise your chances of experiencing anxiety, depression and burnout, because you don’t have a perception of yourself outside of work, said Michelle P. Maidenberg, a psychotherapist and business coach in New York.
If you haven’t already, it’s time to take that next step. To truly get out of that toddler phase, you need to find a healthy and productive outlet for yourself. Time spent doing something you love is time well spent. And don’t be afraid to set some goals and take a few chances with it too.
Not sure where to start? CNN has a little quiz HERE to help you figure out what to do with your spare time! Have fun!