I’ll be 53 in a few weeks, and I’ve noticed that my current life does not look anything like I expected it to look even just a decade ago. I didn’t expect to be so, well…alone, among other things. I didn’t expect to be a widow, or single parent, or an expert on ALS caregiving. I didn’t expect I would know as much as I do about mental health issues affecting teens, or that I would be the owner of two dogs, or that I would have a reason to dye my hair bright pink for six months….but here we are.
I’m learning to be okay with almost all of it. Turns out I’m a rather adaptable creature (and so are you). Who knew?
So I started thinking about all kinds of expectations, and their corresponding outcomes/reactions, and how they are tied to our general happiness. I’ve begun a gentle shift…raising the expectations for one thing, lowering them for another. I’ve gotten better at communicating them. I’ve also become more sensitive to other people’s expectations of me, for better or worse.
I’m sure there are probably a dozen ways to break this down, but let’s focus on these three kinds of expectations:
Universal/Public – the unspoken things that keep society running, or the accepted norms. For example:
- we expect people to do their jobs.
- we expect people to be nice when we are nice.
- we expect airlines and trains to run on time.
- we expect things to operate as they always have.
You’ve all felt these, right? These are not communicated, but innate. When these types of expectations are not met we might get upset or angry, or….. we can not let them emotionally disturb us at all. Really. I’m not saying it’s easy, but assuming an otherwise balanced life, taking a deep breath in bad situations can go a long way. We can ignore, adapt, take business elsewhere, and move on.
Universal/Personal – the hopeful expectations specific to our lives, but carried out in a public way. For example:
- if married, we expect to stay married.
- we expect to keep our jobs until we decide to leave.
- we expect to be healthy and grow old.
- we expect to be able to carry out our life plans without interruption.
- we expect our children to outlive us.
If the Universal/Public group was the small stuff you shouldn’t sweat, this is the big stuff that can change your life. None of these expectations are guaranteed. When any one of these are not met it can be downright devastating and despite their common nature, the losses are faced alone. There are few solutions to these problems, so natural reactions are often a matter of grieving and coming to terms with the outcome. Maybe we can learn from these experiences, or turn them into a positive turning point in our lives. These are the life obstacles that build character. (personally, I’ve had enough character building experiences…)
But on to the third…
Personal/Private – the expectations that exist in our own heads, and are not always shared or agreed upon. These are the ones that can cause the most trouble as they are based on our beliefs and experiences, and clearly not everyone shares your beliefs and experiences. For example:
- living concerns: you might expect neighbors to be friendly, courteous, and to never park their car in front of your house. You might expect them to place the same level of landscaping effort as you do into their property. Are these things important? Maybe to you, but when you commit to living near other people, you are going to have a variety of situations. Their priorities are not necessarily your priorities.
- ease: we expect life to be easy, but where did we get that crazy idea? Real life has struggles, and death, and disappointment (see section above), and seasons. If you take part in society at all, if you have other humans in your life at all, if you strive to accomplish anything at all, then life will not always be easy. If there is one lesson I strive to teach my kids, it’s that functioning adults need to learn to be okay with difficult times.
- beliefs: if we believe in the Bible (or any religion’s rulebook) and how it says to live our lives, we might (foolishly) expect others to do the same. Nothing irks me more when I hear folks condemning others’ life choices because of what the “Bible says”. That means nothing to me, as I think there are a million ways to interpret a book. Expecting others to believe in the same things as you is a risky thing.
- love and acceptance: we expect the people we love to love us back, and we expect to be a priority to the people that are a priority for us. Oh, this is the one that hurts the most, doesn’t it? When we expect family members or friends to view our relationship the same way. I’ve seen this one hit hardest with adult children and the parents who want more than the child really wants to give. Communication might help, but from my experience, I can tell you that my mother or my husbands mother asking for more of our time and attention over the years rarely had the desired outcome for them as it was always laced with guilt, and who wants to feel guilty? No one.
It should be noted loud and clear that sharing your expectations does not entitle you to the outcome you want. Think about it from the other side, when people place unwanted expectations on you. My late mother was also widowed young, and hated to go anywhere alone. For some reason she thought I was more extroverted (I’m not) and expected me to serve as a buffer, or entertainer, or general social director. About ten years ago she had a distant cousin, Santina, visiting from Rome. Santina was close to my mother’s age and this was the first time they would be meeting. My nervous mother asked if I could host a dinner for her at my house, and then the next morning my mother and my uncle were driving her from Maryland to New Jersey. I agreed to dinner, and as it turns out, dear Santina was absolutely delightful. She had been a professor at Columbia University, and was well travelled, intelligent, and very friendly. Nothing scary about spending time with her. But my mother expected me to join them on the road trip, for nothing other than a conversation buffer. Uh, no thanks. I decided that these three capable adults would be just fine without me. My toddler-aged children need me more, and it was the middle of tax season which meant that I was working a ton and already exhausted. I really, really, didn’t want to go, so I refused. And boy, was she mad at me for a while and I told her that was her choice. She had expectations of me, but I never agreed to them.
And that’s the tough realization… that we own our expectations and can’t put them on anyone else without their permission. You might feel entitled, I know, we all do at times, but that’s the hard truth. We all want things, we all want people, we all want happiness, but wanting it isn’t enough. Working hard for it or loving hard for it isn’t enough. There is always force on the other end of an expectation – a person, an organization, the universe – and unless that force is in agreement with you, your expectation will not be met.
But what about when we are expecting the worst? Don’t you love being pleasantly surprised? Remember that time you expected to not know anyone at the party, and ended up running into some old friends and had a blast? Or you expected something to be hard and it wasn’t? Or when you expected to be alone on a holiday and get a last minute invitation? Or when you expect to be alone the rest of your life and then you are blind-sided by love? Well isn’t that magical?
Bottom line with all of these – we are all adaptable creatures. Expectations are not guaranteed, and how we react when things don’t work out is almost more important than when they do. Words coming out of your mouth alone doesn’t constitute communication and agreement, you actually have to listen. Pay attention to your surroundings and relationships and alter your expectations based on the reality in front of you (as opposed to the reality in your head) to yield better results.
And lastly, after all of that growing, changing, and adapting, don’t be afraid to expect more, or better things for yourself – what’s the worst that could happen?
Spot on, Laura. I expected my husband and me to grow old together unless it was our choice to not do that. I expected our life to be easy if I did well in school and at my job, volunteered at my kids’ schools, worked to eat right and exercise to be healthy, made responsible life choices as an adult, etc.. But why did I just expect this? I spent a lot of time thinking about that. And I realized that there were so many other things I expected of others and myself; I never realized they were there until I had to let go of them. Thanks for sharing such great wisdom.
you mean “we DON’T expect to outlive our children” right?
Oh, holy hell, this is what I get for uploading after midnight! Just fixed it – thank you!
Thanks for writing this, Laura. Great food for thought as usual.
Laura great thoughts on expectations those we put on ourself and those put on us. I do knowq that nothing but growth experience and love can come out of them . I see expectations as taking risk some are self imposed some externally imposed as say and to me that can go one of two ways good or bad but how do we ever really know unless we face these expectations. Well thank you for your a article made me open my eyes a little wider.