Getting Comfortable

A well-intentioned acquaintance recently gave me a piece of (unsolicited) advice when I was inquiring about something I wanted to try.

“You just need to get out of your comfort zone!” she encouraged.

“Huh”, I silently seethed, “my entire life is out of my comfort zone…”

I just smiled.

Truth is I haven’t been comfortable since 2018. Before Chris lost the use of his foot. Before the ALS diagnosis entered our house. Before I became an expert on feeding tubes and cough assist machines and hospice requirements. Before the trauma of watching him gasp for air day after day. Before I became a widow and single parent.

I’ve spent the last six months since Chris passed trying to physically and emotionally heal, to adapt to my new life, just looking for a little bit of joy around every corner….

I am desperate to become comfortable.

Routines help. I usually wake at 6am, drink coffee, let the dogs out, light a candle and meditate or read. I joined a gym two months ago, so I pick my classes and go five days a week. I get a 90-minute massage every other week. The New Yorker magazine comes on Wednesdays, so I read it cover to cover. I change my sheets and clean the house on Fridays. I have Wegman’s groceries delivered on Sunday afternoons.

But then there is the Resistance…the things fighting back. Failed tests and math tears. Car trouble. Various illnesses (including Covid). Things cancelled, or changed, or broken. Countless phone calls, and paperwork, and things being harder than they should be. Normal life stuff.

Or sometimes it’s nothing at all – just a bad dream, or weird comment, or a song on the radio and the girls and I are suddenly pitched into depression for a few days.

It’s hard to get a grip on this new reality. I keep expecting to wake up and it’s 2018 and life is normal again, but it never happens. In general, this leaves me feeling just a little bit confused all. the. damn. time.

So what grounds me? What makes me feel better?

1. Doing the right thing. Eating well, exercising, and keeping up with tasks. Alternatively, failing in any of these areas can cause a tailspin on my day, so I’m highly motivated.
2. Having a loose schedule/goals. It’s good to have reasons to get out of bed and dressed each day.
3. People. The kind and soul-filling ones. If I didn’t have time for meaningless relationships before, I certainly don’t have the patience for them now.
4. Rest. I’ve learned not to underestimate the need for breaks while we heal.
5. Nature. Even just sitting on my porch taking a few deep breaths and watching the birds helps.
6. Dogs. My dogs, your dogs, TikTok dogs, it doesn’t matter. They are pure and we don’t deserve them.

Looking on the bright side… I have become extremely adaptable. I am patient with healing. I am calmer in crisis situations. My perspective of the universe has grown. I am more empathetic to emotional pain. I understand that not all change is bad.

I understand that my life is not bad.

I understand that I’ll find my comfort zone in time. Until then I’ll have a salad, lift some weights, hang with friends and pet my dogs.

Namaste.